And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
