On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
