apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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