Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
