He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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