My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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