I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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