He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
