so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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