dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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