My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
