I need to stop coming to work sober
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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