it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
