if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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