I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
