I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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