Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
