you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
