I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
