just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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