i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
