If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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