i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
