Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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