he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We need to get me chipped asap
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
