He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
