I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
