Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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