Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just want nice things and good sex
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
