Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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