i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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