I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
