I just threw up on my dentist
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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