Dude my mom stole all your condoms
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
