I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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