No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
