My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
