I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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