If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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