Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
