It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
