she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize