no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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