Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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