hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
