she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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