Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Sext me about skeletons
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
