Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
