Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
