Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
