This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
