its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
