The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
