I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
