someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
