what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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