I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
