you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
