i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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