Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
