Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We need to rekindle our bromance
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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