Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
