Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize