i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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